An Epiphany about Grief

I didn't have an answer when she asked, "So how did you get through losing your Dad? No one has ever asked me that in the almost 10 years he'd been gone. 

And I forgot that just cuz someone asks a question about your life, doesn't mean you know the answer. 

I paused. I said I don't know. I said I went to therapy and smoked a lot of pot and had affairs with married men. Then I paused again and searched for how I actually got through it. The 'no, really Erica, how did you do that? Answer the girl'.

"I didn't get through it", I heard myself say. "It got through me. It did everything it could to transform me. Push me. Make me say yes when I want to say no. Make me say no when I want to say yes. The grief. It said, 'go home, my love', those 4 times I drove to my elementary school at 3am and waited at the child pick-up spot for my Dad. Because I was a fucking lunatic. Because what do you mean he's gone?  Because no I just want to talk to him one more time. I have a question." 

The grief. It's like an extra batch of intuition, on top of the intuition I was born with. It just knows stuff. Like, it knew to send me to art school so I could one day take pretty pictures for Instagram and decorate my home and my business in a life-giving way. 

It knew about the Institute for the Psychology of Eating and how I needed to study there. And heal there. It suggested I try yoga. Then it asked me to teach yoga. The grief. It said read this book. Talk to this guy. Call your mother. Call her again. It told me to go to an essential oil class and then make a career out of sharing them with people. Touching people. Reminding them they are worthy of love and belonging and physical touch. 

The grief. It's not grief anymore, actually. 

It's like, my "through-line". It's the connecting theme that follows my interaction with the world and my commitment to get out of bed each day. 

The grief. My through-line. This thing. I didn't get through it. It got through me. Or maybe it got through TO me? 

It'll transform you. If you let it. 

Grace & Peace,

Erica 

Destined to Fart: Lessons in Being Alive

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...so then he says to me, he says, "but Erica, a boat is NOT the only way to cross an ocean! Maybe you're not supposed to be on a boat. Maybe you're not even supposed to be on the water, really. You're like, on a JetPack- farting your way across the ocean, across your dreams and the message you're sharing with the world. Just a bunch of JetPack-producing, brilliant farts, taking you to where you want to go!" (My friends make really good analogies. Sometimes.)

Let me back up...

I was very busy yesterday; I was busy comparing my self, my business, my mission, my body, my Instagram following and my worth to other people. I was just swamped with paperwork, scribbled with doubt and matters of the ego. I was in meetings with past childhood playground trauma and I even took a call from the department of You're Literally Faking Everything and They're Gonna Find Out You're a Fraud and an Imposter Any Day Now, services, inc. In a nutshell, I thought everyone was rowing a much more important and pimped out boat than me, and that I had straight up missed it.

It's taken me a long time to be able to answer the question, "so, what do you do?" with certainty and clarity; I'm an Eating Psychology Counselor, who specialized in Body Image, Chronic Dieting and Binge Eating. No, I'm an Essential Oils Pusher/Educator. No, I am a Yoga Teacher. No, wait, I am a Writer who blogs, with a degree in Visual Communications. Wait, actually, I am a Relationship Strategist, who helps people identify their Values so they can build and maintain healthy relationships with food, their body and people in their life, based on those values. Oh! And I have a Facebook LIVE show, where I build community and start dialogue and blah blah blah blah.

I've placed a lot of weight on my title, since "becoming" an entrepreneur, forgetting that no one really cares about what I do. They care about who I am. And, in reality, whether we are Tax Attorneys, Trapeze Artists, Branch Managers or Grape-Stompers, we are all here to do one thing:

SERVE HUMANITY.

The ONLY difference is the vehicle with which we choose to do it, that most aligns with our values.

If you envisioned the vehicle with which you serve your family, community, customers, students, etc., how much more fun would your day to day interactions be? If you knew that there is simply no comparison to make, no boat to miss, because you're not even meant to be on a boat in the first place, imagine the peace that would being to your work, your family and your own sense of self-worth. There is so much magic in knowing that your course is not meant to look like everyone elses, and that one job, career, vocation is not more valid or important than the other, BECAUSE we are ultimately Doing. The same. Thing.

So what is your vehicle for serving humanity? Selling essential oils? Yoga? Writing Books? Riding a bicycle? Dancing? Massage therapy? Raising compassionate children? Doing math so other people don't have to? Metaphorically, Are you doing this via ship? Or in a '92 Canary Yellow Mazda Protege? You on a train? Or is it a hot air balloon situation?

Trust me, friends, you have NOT "missed the boat", because we're not all meant to be on a damn boat. But what do I know? I'm just a girl, strapped to a JetPack, farting my way across the land - just a bunch of brilliant farts, taking me to where I want to go, all in an an effort to serve humanity.

from my vehicle to yours,

erica

The BEST Advice for Creative Writing

So then some guy said, "If you let Titanic take you down with the suction just for a moment, you'll gain enough strength and wisdom to swim to the surface. Don't fight it."

"That's beautiful", said Jennifer Aniston. And she did exactly that. Making her way to the ocean's surface, she realized she'd been holding on to the giant, brand new, recently submerged placard with 'Titanic' engraved in it, using it as a flotation device. I was watching this all go down, literally, when I heard my iPhone ping from the bottom of the ocean. Oh. Shit. "I have to go down there and get it, Jen!" My eyes and mouth widen to take a breath big enough to, um, chase the Ti...ta...n....ic for an i....ph...oneeee. (Um. Okay.) And that's when a voice says, "Erica, you've gone off the deep end in this dream. Wake up...wake up...WAKE. UP."

My eyes open and for a moment. I'm bummed I'll never find my iPhone and then I realize where I am, and that my phone is in the living room. I hobble myself out of bed and over to the couch to grab the phone. The thing lights up like the 4th of July and it's a text from a friend that says, Hey Babe, If you could give me one piece of advice about writing creatively, what would it be? And if you need to follow it up with more, I'm all ears.

Perfect! What a perfect question! These are my favorite kinds of texts, b-t-dubs. (That's 'by the way' in 2016 lingo. Keep up). I answered the text right away, as 4 main tips for creative writing popped into my head without even thinking. And I want to share those tips with YOU! (+4 extra ones that add a much needed extra somethin' somethin' when I write.)

1. FOCUS ON THE STORY, NOT THE SENTENCE- Have you ever spent way too much time editing a photo on your phone, drafting a text or writing a story/blog post, like me? Great! Yea. On the one hand, it could be an act of great care and consideration for your intended audience, to find the perfect filter for IG, the perfect response to a text and the perfect descriptive words for a story. And yet, it's all a bunch of hooey if you're not first focused on what you're actually wanting people to hear. Be careful not to lose track of what the whole thing is about and intended to be used for in the first place. Typically, what we want to say takes a lot longer to draft than what we actually want someone to hear, because we're busy scrutinizing things that don't make a ding-dong-dang difference if the story is shit and doesn't go anywhere. Trust me, the sentences and big words and grand images will all fall into place (with room for grammar and spell check, of course) if you keep your focus on Who-What-Where-When-Why-How, first.

2. WRITE WHAT MATTERS TO YOU IN THE MOMENT- Guys, I can't even tell you how fast I'm flying through this blog post. This topic matters to me all the time, but right now, in this moment, it is SO fresh in my mind because the text from my friend was my "call to action". If you've ever met me, even for 30 seconds when I sampled your cheese at the deli counter at Whole Foods, you'd know I have a lot of feelings about a lot of things all the time. But when it comes to writing, when I'm truly moved, I MUST take action. And so must you. You're a writer. You're always going to write, no matter what...but when you feel particularly inspired, take advantage of that in the moment (even if you have to pull over into the parking lot of a random high school, and write a poem that was exploding out of you...do it!)

3. TAKE NOTES ALL. THE. TIME.- This one complements the above tip. If you cannot sit down and complete a piece in the moment, THAT'S FINE! Keep a notebook and a pen handy (i.e. an iPhone with a Notes section) and write down the image, word, phrase, etc. as it pops into your head. DO NOT assume you will remember it later. YOU WON'T. Write it down. AND THEN put the whole thing together ASAP, as the idea, feeling, inspiration is fresh in your mind.

4. SHOW. DON'T TELL.- Boy, I tell ya, nothing sucks the essence right out of a story faster than reading a long-winded pile of nothingness because the author was trying to describe an event, but actually ended up explaining it. For example, if you're a writer, and you're story-ing (my made up verb) about a cold day, don't tell me that you're cold, show me 'cold'; blue, shaky, desperate, icy, longing, not cared for, not looked after, hopeless...etc. I always have to remind myself to give my readers more credit; it's a scientific fact that what we don't see, we will make up and what our mind isn't shown, it will fill in the blanks. This makes for an incredible reading experience; allowing our audience to fill in some blanks, to step into our shoes, with room to wiggle around and find themselves in our words. It's a gift we give to our audience.

**Some Extra Personal Touches that Make Me a Better Creative Writer**

1. OILS- Duh. If you thought I wasn't gonna list essential oils as a way I enhance my creativity and overall being as a writer and human, you don't know me at all, and we should see a counselor. Here are the 3 main oils I use when I sit down to write:

* Focus Blend: This includes Patchouli, Sandalwood, Frankincense, Lime, Ylang Ylang and Roman Chamomile. All intended to keep me focused and engaged so I don't OH! SHINY PENNY!

*Clary Sage: The Oil of Clarity and Vision. I rub a drop of this oil over my chest and a drop between my eyebrows (seat of intuition/6th Chakra) for more clarity...and...vision. Yea.

*Wild Orange: The Oil of Abundance. This oil is associated with the 2nd Chakra, which governs creative energy, pleasure and enjoyment. (All necessities in my writing and thriving process)

*Because of FDA rules and blah blah blah, I can't tell you the brand of oils I use and trust, but if you want to learn more, let me know by COMMENTING BELOW. ;-)

2. BRUSHED TEETH: Morning is usually my peak time to write and I refuse to create anything unless my mouth feels clean. A clean mouth makes a clean voice makes a clean writing piece. Trust me.

3. MY GLASSES: Because I can't see without them and they are amazing.

WELP! That's what I have for you today, my creatives! Also, if you see Jennifer Aniston, tell her I found my phone.

Happy Writing!

Wholeheartedly,

Erica

PS: If you're curious about the process of Creative Writing JOIN MY 5-DAY COURSE! (Next round starts July 25!)

The "Special" Problem: Why Entitlement & Neediness *May* Help Your Relationships

"Sounds like you have a "Special" Problem", said my handsome therapist.

"Oooooh! What's that?! I feel special already!"

"Yea, that's the problem part", he chuckled as he rubbed his eyes for a moment, like he was about to break some earth-shattering news to me. My eyes widened and for a moment I felt excited about my new label, my brand-spankin-new neurosis, my next thing I'd get to blog about. (Good Lord, I really do need therapy.)

Over the past couple weeks I've come to terms with my resistance and my general distaste for sharing and being a "team player", for which I blame my parents, of course; instead of having more children and staying married, they got divorced, gave me my own bedroom and bathroom at both houses, where I had my own toys and never had to bang on a door to go pee or wait to use the computer, or negotiate the time I spent watching my Lifetime movies....in my own room...on my own t.v. If they had given me a sibling or a pet or a few house plants to take care of, I'm sure I'd enjoy a thing or two about being a team player. But they didn't. So, I don't.

However, despite not being a fan or a willing participant of sharing my stuff and working on a team, I've somehow built an entire career that is dependent upon my ability to do just that. First of all, I educate people how to use essential oils and a HUGE part of that business is sharing my oils with people, be that providing Lavender to a gaggle of high-strung Yoga Teachers, giving samples left & right, and putting Lemon oil in everyone's water while in India. As an Eating Psychology Counselor and Yoga teacher, I share my time and my resources in favor of helping people feel more alive, nurtured and comfortable in their body and their relationships. I love what I do, and I wouldn't choose to do anything else. But here's where my "Special" Problem lies...and yours, too, if this resonates with you, which is great, because I can help you...

While my job requires me to share my "toys", it doesn't usually require me to share the credit or the accolades with anyone, for a job well done. Somehow I've managed to stay just under the radar when it comes to collaborating with people on a project, where I'm not the only incredible genius behind the operation, until now...

My friend, Tracy, and I have been asked to run a "Creative Writing & Yoga" workshop next month, because we're both writers and we're both counselors and we both deeply care about the work we do. While I know the workshop is going to be an amazing one-of-a-kind adventure for our students, it will also require me to share the warm, gooey, fluffy praise and the You-Did-a-Heck-of-a-Job hugs with her, which is difficult for me, because there's a running story in my head that says, You know they're gonna like her more, right? You know they're gonna trust her more and look up to her more, and want to work with her more, right? It's a harsh and dangerous world in my head sometimes, my friends.

So where did this story come from? As my handsome Therapist puts it;

You always had all the stuff you wanted; the bedrooms, the toys, the time to watch Lifetime Movies...but that doesn't necessarily mean you were given what you needed; quality time, lots of praise, undivided attention, all the things a child in a typical narcissism stage really does need. So as you developed, you looked to other people's praise, feedback, attention etc. not just to make you feel good in general, but to actually fill you up, to validate you and prove your value and make you feel special. (And why would you ever want to share that with someone else?) But when you rely only on how other people value you and view you, for you sense of self-worth, it doesn't keep you full, because you can't or won't or don't do that for yourself. So, here you have a sense of entitlement...mixed with a specific kind of need to feel special...and that creates a -say it with me- "Special" Problem.

When I peeled my ego-bruised self off the couch after an entirely-too-short fifty minutes, the only solution to this problem I could think of, apart from getting the f*ck over it because I'm a 29 year-old grown ass woman who ought to know how to share and not be so greedy for accolades, was to tell my friend Tracy about my "Special" Problem; how I'm not as jazzed as I could and should be to teach a Creative Writing & Yoga Workshop together. I told her how I'm afraid that people are going to like her more than me, and how I'd look like a fool and that I'm not as helpful to people as I think I am. I told her I might feel jealous. That I do feel jealous already. I told her all those things and she replied:

"Well, that's funny, because I've been so worried that people are going to like you more than me because I'm no 'Erica Jacobs'".

"Oh, so we're afraid of the same things?"

"Yep."

"Okay, cool. So, do you just wanna know that the workshop is better off being done together? Do you wanna just do the thing?"

"Yes."

"Great. Good game." *High Five*

If there's one thing I've learned from walking through such intense grief when my Dad passed away, and the process of healing from an eating disorder, it is the importance of being direct and telling people how I feel. The more vulnerable I've made myself, the stronger my relationships have become...if they're the right relationships for me to begin with. So while I am not someone who has always been direct and outspoken about what I feel (ESPECIALLY to the person I have feelings toward), I've seen the benefit and the rewards of being blunt and sincere in my adult life.

So, the bottom line is this: It's fine to have feelings. As long as we're human, equip with an ego, we're going to have feelings of entitlement and neediness from time to time. We've all experienced that "Special" Problem and it can be used to our advantage when we're willing to recognize it and be honest about it. Being able to say what we truly feel, preferably to the actual people we feel them with/from/because of, no matter how embarrassing, how selfish, how conceited...is what being "authentic" is all about. (We, in the Yoga world, are obsessed with "being authentic", so I had to throw that word in here.) And the truth is, while it is ideal for us to be able to fill our own Self-Worth Bucket, it's not "bad" if/when we need other people to fill us up. It's okay. It's normal.

So, speak up, my friends. Say the things. Stay humble. It's good for your friendships, it's good for your job and...it's the best for your soul.

Isn't that Special? ;-)

Wholeheartedly,

Erica

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Vacationing Solo: What's in My Purse?

   Even though I love the holiday season, and I mean, I REALLY love it, the actual holidays themselves bring about a lot of loneliness for me; being a Jewish, single, only child, I've always felt a bit jealous of my friends "going home" for the holidays. It's like the little baby Erica in me just wants to go around asking people, can I come, too? Can I be with your family? I'm really fun to be around. But I'm not that little girl, anymore. I can make my own family vacation as a family of one...and this year, that's exactly what I'm doing! I'm going to Austin!

I've never been to Austin, or Texas for that matter, but I've heard nothing but amazing things. I'm flying into San Antonio, where my friend (who lives there) and I were going to drive to Austin together, and stay for the week. Unfortunately, her schedule has changed, so I'll be making the drive to Austin solo. (This is a good time to recall my blog about honoring commitments, even when people cancel, ESPECIALLY when the commitment is to yourself.)

I'm really stepping outside my comfort zone here, friends. I've never rented a car, driven long distance in a foreign state, stayed in a stranger's home (airbnb) or wandered around a strange city alone. Btw, my Mother is freaking out about this--begging me to text her, like, every 10 minutes. I'll text her every 5 mins and see how long she lasts, before she tells me to stop. I mean, I don't want her to worry ;-)

So...long, fluffy story short, I'm feeling excited, yet anxious and nervous. As independent as I am, I feel like this is the night before the 1st day of Kindergarten. I don't know what to expect. Will the kids at the San Antonio car rental place be nice to me? Will my airbnb host be friendly? Warm? Nurturing? Is she supposed to be? It's Texas. Does she have a gun? You'd think I'm leaving the country for 3 months, instead of leaving the state for 4 days. Get it together, Jacobs.

Are you with me? For those of you who are thinking of embarking on a solo journey, at some point, (and by solo journey, I mean, living your life each day) I wanna show you the things I pack in my purse to keep me sane, calm, present, grateful and joyful, wherever I am...

(according to the fda, i can't tell you, here on the blog, the brand of essential oils i personally use. but what i can do is send you a follow up email, letting you know my personal recommendation. just ask here!)

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At the end of the day, the idea of traipsing around Downtown Austin, eating amazing food, doing Yoga, taking amazing, "Instagram-worthy" pics (hey, just being honest), meeting my future husband a lot of nice people, and enjoying Thanksgiving, wherever I end up, sounds like holiday heaven to me...as long as I don't leave my purse behind.

Happy Thanksgiving week, friends!