I'm not your fat yoga teacher
I'm not your curvy
plus size
body-positive
Instagram-envelope-pushing
guru.
I don't want to be
your daughter's
niece's
sister's
or
your
role model.
I am not your fat yoga teacher
no matter how much better
you feel on your mat
because of my size.
We're not playing that game.
I'm not playing this game.
The game where
you look at me
and you think,
I'll give her a complement
I'll tell her how much better I feel
on my mat
because she's not
like
your typical "anorexic" yoga teacher.
That is NOT a complement.
That is NOT love.
That is NOT yoga.
Suppose
my body changes
like all bodies do
and suddenly I no longer
look the way you need me to look
in order to feel like you belong
on your mat.
You're playing with fire.
You're only hurting yourself.
See
this is the damage we cause
ourselves
each other
ourselves
each other
me
you
me.
I am not
your fat yoga teacher.
I am
Erica Jacobs.
3 Things I Ask of You, God, Now That I'm 30
Lord, God, Shiva, Yaweh, whomever is in the office today-
Hustle my shizzle and deliver me to where it's best. K?
Bring me to where I am of the most use.
Yes'm Jesus, life, cosmic intelligence, Milky Way Magic Unicorn energy,
take the wheel.
Steer me, on purpose, and ask me -
ask me what I want.
Say, 'what are 3 things you ask of me, Erica'
Go on. Do it. Please.
I want
you to let me:
LOVE
I want
You to let me
SERVE
I want
You to let me
REMEMBER...
Let me LOVE -
I want to be specific and thoughtful with my love, God. Real, true, sincere, inconvenient-at-times love for myself and my brothers and my sisters.
Pure love. I ask that my love be pure. I want my love to be so pure and unadulterated that I have an easy, maybe even joyful, time letting things and people, go. I want the way I love to be easily recognizable - a landmark for people. A place they can call home.
God, I want to want love. I want to want love so bad that I can convincingly act like I need it. Because I do. I want to be loved, and I know I'm powerful and I don't want to hurt anybody. Okay?
God, I basically want to marry Pure Love. I want to fuck Pure Love. I want Pure Love to fuck me, back.
And I want to come.
more than once.
every day.
Let me SERVE -
Allah, Almighty, Sister...
Just let me serve the people. I want to do that thing YOU do, where I can be of service without feeling as though my well is running dry. How do I do that?
And I want to keep rubbing oils on all the people, God. I want to remind them, with my hands, that there is such a thing as good touching. Appropriate touching. That it is not taboo. That we all need it.
Unicorn Spirit, I ask that you let me serve with
strong boundaries,
a firm spine,
a discerning heart.
I have a hunch, that over-generosity is a reflection of lack of self-worth. I ask that you show me whether or not there is truth in that.
Let Me REMEMBER -
Sparkly Absolute Being, Your Holiness, Bro...
I ask you to let me remember. Remembering is very different than not forgetting. Remembering is a verb. I want to verb the crap out of that bitch.
When I feel hungry, I want to remember all the times I have been fed.
When I feel abandoned, I want to remember all the times I have not, in fact, been abandoned.
When I feel really, really lost, let me remember that time my friend saw me in a crowded place and said, "Thank God I found you." Yeah, don't forget to let me remember that one, God.
3 Things I Ask of You, God, Now that I'm 30 -
Let me Love.
Let me Serve.
Let me Remember.
Amen. Om shanti. Shalom. Thanks. Bye Felicia!
Custody of the Heart: A Letter To the Parent Really Missing Their Children on Thanksgiving
photo by Daiga Ellaby
Dear Mommy or Daddy,
I could see how painful it was for you to say goodbye to me today, knowing we will not be spending Thanksgiving together this year. I know how much you each care about me, and there are some things I'd like you to know...
I want you to know it's hard for me, too. No matter how old I get, I will always long for my family to be together for the holidays. I will always wish away the separateness. And the anxiety. And the tension.
The hardest part, for me, is knowing how lonely and sad you might feel without me. I don't like when you are sad. Please don't be sad. Promise me that you will call your friends and not spend Thanksgiving alone. I don't want you to be alone.
Maybe I'm too young to know this, but there is a fine line between what will damage you and what will heal you. Please let your Thanksgiving without me be something that will heal you- heal you from the loss of how our Thanksgivings used to be, as a family. Let this Thanksgiving be joyful, one that you can't wait to tell me about, the next time I see you!
Since I will be with my "other side" of the family, and because divorce is so tricky and complicated, I know I might overhear some things about you that aren't nice. But I want you to know that I know the truth. I know the truth about who you are and where I come from. I am so grateful for you.
I know you want me to have a good time and not feel bad, so I'll do just that. I will eat and play and giggle and get into trouble with my cousins. I will look at the finished turkey and remember how you like to take polaroids of your finished, cooked-to-perfection turkeys, because you feel so proud when its done. I will remember how you write the year on the polaroid: "Thanksgiving Turkey, '92". It'll be a little secret I can have a laugh about. Thank you for doing things that make me think if you when I'm not with you.
I really, REALLY want you to know that while you may not have custody of my physical company today, you have custody of my heart. I mean, you helped to create it. And it's so strong, strong enough to know that there are many kinds of families. Unique in their own way. BOY! Are we unique! (And a little whacky.)
We will get through this, because Thanksgiving is both just another day AND everyday. And this is what our family is meant to look like. I mean, after all, birds have to fly, fish have to swim, Cookie Monster's gotta eat whatever the hell he eats and you have to share your time with me. It's really that simple.
Most importantly, I want you to remember that, deep down, we're still a family. I am deeply loved and wanted and looked after. This, I know for sure.
Happy Thanksgiving, I love you!
A note from Erica:
I do remember. I remember the look on each of my parents' face when it was time for one to take custody of me over a long weekend or a holiday. My heart ached for the parent that would be without me and I wanted to always make sure they would be okay.
ivorced or separated parents, my heart goes out to you, this holiday season, as many of you share custody, where a piece of paper determines where your child will spend their time.
Please know two things:
1. You are the EXACT parent you are meant to be today
2. Your children are okay. And if they're not, they will be...
May Grace & Peace be with you and your unique & dynamic family <3
Friendship Hotline: Real Texts. Real People. Real Friendships.
"Friendship Hotline, Erica speaking! How can I help you?"
Person who's just like you & me:
I have an old childhood friend that I haven't spoken to much in six months. We've been friends since we were little, always thought we'd be maid of honor in each other's weddings, etc. But it's not like that anymore. We've just lost things in common except for our spirit...just on extremely different life paths...
I harbor some ill will because in almost six months of living in my new apartment she hasn't asked how it is or congratulated me....yet she's gotten upset in the past for me not keeping the friendship alive and keeping in touch so that's made me not want to ask how she's doing---
yesterday I decided to extend an olive branch and text her to say I love the pictures she's posted recently and hope she's well yet I've received no response back and she's found the time to post on facebook. It just reaffirms to me how she is only interested in herself. "It just reaffirms to me how she is only interested in herself- she once posted a status saying she will no longer be answering people's texts because she receives too many. I'm examining my feelings and I feel annoyed and hurt but maybe she's not ready cuz she feels slighted by me like I do by her. Idk it's just always all about her.
And I wanna just say goodbye to the friendship and what it was because its easier and were two different people now but then I wonder well will I invite her to my future wedding because she's my oldest friend? Like idk---I'm just mourning the loss
My Response:
I hear you loud and clear. I pulled 2 bits that I want to shine a light on because they affect the rest of it:
1. "I harbor some ill will because in almost six months of living in my new apartment she hasn't asked how it is or congratulated me"
When we set expectations for people's behavior, based on what WE would do, we set ourselves up for disappointment and upset every time. It doesn't mean we shouldn't feel hurt by it, it just means that unless we make our feelings and needs known to someone, we don't really have anywhere to put those feelings if someone doesn't meet our expectations. (This goes for ANY relationship)
2. "It just reaffirms to me how she is only interested in herself- she once posted a status saying she will no longer be answering people's texts because she receives too many"
Personally, if she posted something like this on Facebook, is her friendship "style" and her clear lack of value for friendship even in line with your values and what YOU'RE looking for in a friendship?
My philosophy is, move toward the people who move toward you. (I DON'T mean wait for others to show they love you before you show them back. NO NO NO. We definitely do not withhold love out of spite. Like, no.
I mean, despite any hopes, dreams and expectations for what friendship was going to look like, (being in each others weddings, etc.) look at the reality and move toward people who are making an effort to move toward you.
Perhaps it's not time to move toward each other today…?
Person who's just like you & me:
Wow yes I agree with all of this. I guess it's in my nature to want to give love and I've been trying to live out what you once said to me which is to not wait for people to move toward me or generate plans or cultivate a friendship and just do it if u want. So I have been, but I guess sometimes in doing that we can get disappointed in how someone reacts
My Response:
Yes. It's both. Nothing (especially relationships) is black & white!
Sometimes we extend the olive branch even if it's not extended back to us (WITHOUT expectations or resentment!) and other times, we don't because we value people who also extend branches to us.
Person who's just like you & me:
It's hard to fluctuate between the two sides, you know? Because I like black and white a lot of the times....do u find it hard to not harbor resentment should you put yourself out there and not get what u wanted in return?
My Response:
Not anymore; I don't take things AS personal as I used to. And I'm more mindful about my intentions behind doing things. Like, am I doing this with an expectation of something in return? Or am I truly doing this out of my purest heart?
It's not bad to want love in return! In fact, we must receive love in return for ours. But everyone's love language and values are different. When we set parameters around specific behavior that we expect from others, that's where we need to check our intentions in the first place.
Person who's just like you & me:
How did u get to that disciplined mindful place? I'm trying so hard now through reciting daily affirmations specifically regarding my romantic relationship but it's so hard to be mindful and honest w yourself and not just say 'fuck it I'm gonna do this and if they don't give me in return then fuck them.' But I know that's unhealthy. I'm trying to not be like that anymore.
My Response:
One day, one conversation, one situation at a time, girl.
Nothing is permanent and we're just humans who have needs.
I'm not any more disciplined than anyone else; I just don't make the time to suffer in my relationships (IN GENERAL). There is still plenty of suffering but it's more situation-based, not relationship-based. Meaning, things come up in healthy relationships that need to be addressed, but the relationship itself is healthy. The friendship is reciprocal enough for me. If it's not, well, then obviously the level and the type of friendship will naturally change into something else.
It can be organic and natural. It doesn't have to be "I'm just not gonna be like this anymore". That's too black & white for our precious and fragile little hearts.
I know your heart. I know where it all comes from for you, friend. and you're amazing just the way you are. You're enough, your love is enough and there's nothing about you that you need to "fix". You're not broken. We are all evolving and life/relationships are a process. No need to rush or drastically change the process! Let things unfold...
Person who's just like you & me:
Beautifully said....sometimes I wish I could hang out with you in person and hear this while looking at you, lol. I like coming back to these kinds of texts they make me feel good.
My Response:
<3 I'm SO glad to hear this. I Love you. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Person who's just like you & me:
Nope.
My Response:
Great! Thanks for agreeing to be here!
*END*
Comment below if you can relate or have any thoughts, questions, concerns, etc.!
Wholeheartedly,
Erica
My Condolences, with Love, from Afar...
I heard the sad, sad news today, because sad news travels fast and because I look at your Facebook from time to time. Not often, but sometimes. And I don't feel bad about it. It's normal to be curious.
My ego said, 'call him. It's okay to reach out, let him know that you know.' My fearful, impulsive ego said, 'these are extenuating circumstances. Tell him how very sorry you are for the loss of his Dad. Heck. Send flowers and a card. Do it.'
But, no; we don't do that, anymore. I don't do that anymore. Even though every fiber of my human existence wants to pick up the phone and send you my love and support, the truth is, compassion and condolences and courtesy and love really doesn't override seven years of purposeful silence.
So I will take this opportunity to love you from afar...
I am profoundly sorry for your loss. Though I too have lost my Dad, I do not know your pain. It is yours. It is unique to the experience of having been your Father's Son for thirty-one years. Your sadness is sacred; it holds so many questions and perhaps very little answers, today. And in those moments, after friends and family have returned to their homes and your Wife and sweet babies have fallen asleep, you may have the remarkable chance in those quiet moments to feel ALL the feelings in one fell swoop. Grief. Grief has a funny way of carrying wisdom we cannot see right away, yet it can sometimes pull us under, into the dark, hidden crevices of our own self, to sort through years of this and that and the other things.
Don't be scared, old friend; this is a process, and a beautiful one, if you let it be. Both you and your Father are on a very special journey together, now. A journey where he has the pleasure and the freedom to walk with you, talk with you and listen to you, in a capacity that just can't be done here on Earth. Bits and pieces of him now exist and will show up in different, unexpected ways. Maybe. I dunno. Probably. Yea, most likely.
Time and patience and love heals all things. You already know this, but I am reminding you.
If you ever read this, thank you; Thank you for knowing I'm not here to harm you and that my words are straight from my heart. Thank you for not being surprised that I'd write something like this. Thank you for knowing that loves exists, here; from my freshly manicured nails, to the keys on my Mac, to the screen, to your eyes.
Know that I'm not just writing this for you; I'm writing this for all the men, women, boys and girls who must learn how to love and support from afar. I'm writing this so they don't feel they have to contain their heart, but that they can, in fact, expand it, widen it, open it, even more so than if they actually reached out.
May you travel through this deep and powerful experience with Grace, Balls and God- my 3 favorite things. I wish you peace, strength and hope. I know your strong spine and your soft heart- you're going to be okay.
How lovely the opportunity to love you, support you, think of you, cry for your loss and ache for your family, from afar, really is...
Love, Love, Love,
E
**When your heart aches to reach out to someone from your past, it does NOT mean you need to turn your heart off. It means you get to find new and creative ways of expanding, extending and sharing it, while keeping the integrity of the relationship, however it stands, as well as your own dignity. Creative Writing helps me express love from afar.
How do you love from afar?